I haven’t told many people this
because the few times I’ve tried I have been yelled at or got the eye role.
Because of this attitude from people, I’ve denied my struggle or straight up
lied about acting confident in my lies. But here’s the truth… I struggle with
my body image. Now, I know I’m not fat, and I’ve never quite given into
anorexia or bulimia; although, I’ve thought about it multiple times. However,
it’s still a daily struggle for me to be content in the way I see myself. I’m
still just not what I want to look like. I compare myself to nearly every girl
I see. My thoughts are consumed with image. I can’t stop comparing and I can’t
stop desiring perfection in my shape. What’s the cause?
o Satan
·
Society, culture, definition of beauty, and
stupid fake women altered on the computers to look perfect in advertising,
pornography etc…
o Being
an athlete, especially a softball player with the “big and burly”
stereotype. People mock me for being
buff.
o The
way I see myself; I’m too short and stocky
o Last
summer I lost 10-15lbs when I got my tonsils out (and I thought I looked way
better)
o I
was a stick all through out high school and didn’t hit womanhood until 18 years
of age. So I’m still not used to having hips and a womanly figure.
Yesterday, I went to get a new
bathing suit because I truly needed one. It was the most miserable shopping
experience! I’m not a fan of shopping at all so I normally walk in grab what I
need, and walk out. However, yesterday I found myself starring at my image in
the mirror suit after suit. I couldn’t decide at all. I wasn’t happy with any
of them. Then I realized, the suits didn’t have the problem… it was me. I
wasn’t happy with the way I looked. Finally,
after feeling extremely discouraged and heartbroken I bought one that was ok,
but still wasn’t satisfied with how I looked. Later that day I broke down
crying because I hated myself for hating my myself. Why can’t I be happy with
the way I look? I know some girls dream of looking the way I do. They would do
anything to weigh what I do. Do I dare feel this way? Why do I feel this way? I
don’t know!!!! It’s sooo stupid and I know that! But I still feel unsatisfied
and I hate the way I feel. I know I could look better! The tears continued.
I laid everything all out there realizing some girls will be
very mad at me for even feeling that way. However, I wrote all that so that you
can understand how much I struggle with this, and how deep of a problem it is
for me. And so you can further see God’s glory in the rest of the story…
THEN GOD SHOWED UP.
I was at the beach in my new suit today. A very small beach
I might add, with not many people there. Still feeling a little insecure but
got over it so I could just play and have fun. I was goofing around acting like
the biggest kid ever, swinging my waffle ball bat at the air, throwing sand
around, and being crazy. As I looked up 200 feet away there was some lady
watching me and mimicking my motions. It freaked me out so much that I sat down
and faced the water. Before I knew it she was walking over to me.
“Hi, sorry to bother you, you are going to think I’m crazy.
But I just had to ask have you ever been professionally photographed?”
“Ummm, no not
really.” I responded.
“Are you serious? Oh wow, you should, because I’ve been
watching you and your mannerisms and you have real natural beauty. I think you
should go for it. You ever considered modeling?
“Not at all.”
“Well, I just had to
come down here and ask you. I’ve been a professional photographer for 25 years
and I think it’s something you should really look into. People would love to
take your picture. I’m serious! Just look at you! You are beautiful.”
She then continued to ask me to stand up. So I did.
“See! You are what 5’2? You have such a great athletic
build! I’m telling you those twiggy girls they’re out these days. You have such
a beautiful muscular build! I just had to come down here and tell you. You must
look into modeling, really please do it!”
At first I was a little bit freaked
out. But after she walked away the tears flooded into my eyes and they kept
coming literally just pouring out of me. She had no idea how much that meant to
me for her to even say that. It wasn’t because she inspired me to be a model,
but because I’ve never experienced God at a moment more real than that one. It
was as if God had literally walked up to me at that moment and spoke to me. I’ve
never heard God so clearly in my life. Just yesterday I was worried about my
looks. For years I’ve really struggled and much of my struggle peaked
yesterday. I cried. God was there. He heard me crying, he saw every tear, and
felt all my heart-ache. He was listening to me all these years. He knows my
heart, my deepest worries (no matter how dumb they are). He never rolled his
eyes or called me ridiculous. He listened, He cared, He held me. And then He
literally walked up to me, and spoke truth into my life. My Father loves me so
incredibly much. The depth of His love became very real to me today. He’s with
me, Emmanuel is with me!!!!!!
As she walked away she said, “You know… beauty is in the eye
of the beholder.”
AMEN Psalm 139 "You search me and you know my heart!"
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